God told me that I needed a “buzz.”

It’s been a long time since my last blog, maybe two weeks or perhaps a month.  As most of you know, I’ve been struggling with back pain.  In January 2014 I had surgery for two herniated disks in my lower back.  Surgery was successful, pain disappeared.  I probably should add that the pain leading to the surgery was extreme, ungodly, pain-in-the-back, fucking low-life bad.  But it was over, until a few weeks later when the pain appeared in another spot in my spine: not as bad as before, but it sucked.  I’ve been trying several modes of treatment with limited results  — I still have back pain.  I take two Excedrine every four hours for pain.  It doesn’t leave, it just moves into the back seat of the car while I try to watch the drive-in movie from the front seat.  I find myself sleeping a lot during the day.  I mow, take some pills, pass out on the sofa, followed by the same routine, day after day.  It’s beginning to suck.

This brings me to my latest experience.  It happened this afternoon as I was mowing the grass.  I had this conversation with God, or maybe an imaginary talk with God.  I really don’t know, but it was satisfying.  I must have said something like, “Hey God, things are not going well.  I hurt, I take pills, and I sleep.  Doesn’t say much for the “golden years.'”

“Maybe the answer is in front of your eyes,” he must have said.  “You know how they said in your church that the streets of heaven are paved with gold.  Maybe there’s another way of looking at this.  Maybe heaven isn a continuous ‘buzz.’  Think about it.  That’s not so bad.  Maybe you can gain a temporary reprieve from your pain.  Drink a bottle of wine and eat some “cheddar fish crackers.”

“I think that I understand,” I said.  I opened a bottle of wine and poured myself a bowl of those “cheddar fish crackers” that my granddaughters like.  Wine and “fish crackers” can be mighty fine.  It was overcast tonight, nice cool breeze outside.  I invited my wife and dog to join me outside.  “Tonight,” I said, “I am going to get a nice buzz.”  And oh Lordy, I have a nice one going on.  My wife had one glass and several fish crackers.  My dog, Bailey, had numerous fish crackers, and I had a bottle of wine.

So, here I am.  The buzz is still real and fine.  Had dinner, maybe one of the best I’ve ever had.  My wife still loves me, even though I sometimes act like a fool.  And Bailey, she always loves me.  You know, dogs can sense the really good things of life — that’s me.

I don’t know how often I’m going to repeat this, but it was wonderful tonight.  Maybe I’ll do it tomorrow, the next night, and so on.  Thursday I meet with my surgeon to discuss my latest MRI.  To be cut open or not, that will be the question.

Now I arrive at the moment when I hit the “return” button on my computer.  No more thought, no proof-reading.  Shit in, shit out, that’s tonight’s offering.  Tomorrow morning I won’t believe that I sent this out.  But it is what it is.